Should I let grace take its course or establish myself firmly in the seeing?
I had a shift of consciousness in June when I took seriously that my ego is a thought-based construct. But then it was very confusing as to what was looking behind those eyes. Then I asked you, at your New York satsang, whether it is even necessary to have a notion of the self. You answered that there is something that feels intimate, which did help me.
A few months later, it suddenly became clear to me that my real self is none other than eternal existence. The sensation felt so intimate that I wondered how I could have missed that previously. For two weeks, I kept going in and out of states which lasted from minutes to hours. I still have flashbacks from time to time, and the knowing is still there that the eternal being is my true self. Should I strive to ‘regain’ the experience? I have heard people talking about letting grace take its course, but I’ve also heard that one should establish firmly in the seeing.
Love and gratitude,
The experience of eternal presence that you describe has given you a taste of what you truly are. Whenever a thought or feeling appears that is based on the belief that you are something other than this eternal presence, such as a limited mind or body, you can meet it with the experiential understanding of what you truly are.
In this way the old habits of thinking and feeling on behalf of a separate, inside self will be exposed, and because they are no longer believed to be true and therefore no longer acted upon, they will in time dwindle away.
This is not really a ‘striving to regain the experience’ but rather a loving surrender of all the old habits of thinking, feeling, acting and relating on behalf of a separate, inside self to the eternal presence that you now know yourself to be. As a result of this, your thoughts, feelings, activities and relationships will begin to express the peace, happiness and love that are inherent in eternal presence rather than expressing the neurosis and anxiety that are inherent in the belief of being a separate self.
Your interest in truth, the experience of your true nature, the desire to be established as eternal presence and the efforts you may make on the way are all an expression of grace in you and will enable you to abide naturally and effortless as this clear seeing.