Being Free in the Storm of Emotions

How can I lead my life in a responsible way if there is no free will, and how can I take responsibility for things I don’t decide? Rupert says: ‘I think God is more like a jazz musician than a classical musician – it’s improvisation, not reading from a fixed score. The nature of consciousness is freedom. At the individual level, we do feel we have free will, and I recommend you live as if you had free will. Use your freedom in service of love and understanding, aligning your decisions with the recognition that we share our being with everyone and everything. You’re not a mechanical puppet in the universe – you have freedom.’

I’ve had anxiety since I was 14, and your teachings have helped me understand I am awareness. Can you add anything to this understanding? Rupert says: ‘When you understand who you truly are, what others think of you doesn’t affect you. Your identity is no longer invested in a fragile self that needs constant approval. The ego is fragile and always seeking or defending, but when you recognise your being as your true identity, you discover it’s very open yet cannot be hurt – not because it’s well defended, but because it has no defences at all. It’s like space in a room that cannot be harmed because it’s so open there’s nothing inside to hurt.’

You say the universe is God’s dream, but dreams lack order while the universe has timeless laws. How do we understand this? Rupert says: ‘When I say the universe is God’s dream, [I mean that] consciousness divides itself into multiple subjects of experience from whose perspective it views its own mental activity as an outside world. The laws aren’t laws of physics but laws of mind – patterns in consciousness that appear as matter from our localised perspective. I think there is pure consciousness vibrating within itself prior to being perceived, and that primary vibration is what you refer to as universal laws. They’re eternal and archetypal, beyond the temporal considerations of human mind.’

How can I stay with love and beauty when I feel pulled toward the radical void of ‘no one here’? Rupert says: ‘There’s nobody here is just half the understanding. Yes, there are no separate individual selves – that’s the first half. The second half is there’s just one infinite being, and you are that. All the qualities we most respect – kindness, care, sensitivity, generosity, love – come from the felt sense of our true nature. The true poetry of being human comes from recognising there is only one infinite indivisible being and everyone and everything is that.’

Is consciousness ultimately self-reflexive and self-aware? Rupert says: ‘Awareness is self-luminous like the sun – it knows itself just by being itself without needing to turn around and reflect on itself. When consciousness localises in a finite mind, that mind does need to practice self-reflection to know itself. But infinite consciousness doesn’t know its knowing of itself – it is just pure knowing. The sun doesn’t need to illuminate its illumination of itself; consciousness doesn’t need to reflect on its knowing. It knows itself just by being itself.’

Couldn’t thoughts and perceptions be experienced as consciousness assuming different forms rather than in dualistic subject-object relationship? Rupert says: ‘Ultimately there’s only one thing – consciousness temporarily colouring itself in the form of everything we know. But everything we know apart from our own being appears in subject-object relationship. This is just the mechanism through which experience takes place, though there’s no real separation. When we recognise this viscerally – that although we seem to experience everything in subject-object relationship, there’s no real distinction – that’s the experience we call “love” in relation to people and “beauty” in relation to objects.’

Regarding your metaphor of the stained tea towel being washed repeatedly to remove stains, many of my stains have been eliminated, but some are really sticky, especially in my nervous system. Can you give advice on the realignment process? Rupert says: ‘Some experiences are like wine stains that don’t come out with normal washing – they need soaking in a dissolving medium. This soaking is resting in the warm bath of awareness that gradually penetrates the body-mind, washing out old residues from the belief in separation. If there’s something very specific, you could do therapeutic work, but generally just keep soaking in awareness. Don’t expect perfection at the body-mind level – it’s a never-ending process of realignment.’

As a designer, I wonder what is the grand purpose for infinite consciousness to seemingly forget itself and go through suffering to find its way home? Rupert says: ‘Infinite consciousness is a realm of unmanifest potential. To manifest in form, consciousness must divide itself into subject and object because form can only be known in subject-object relationship. The infinite pays for manifestation with its innate peace because it must localise as seemingly separate subjects. Why does it do this? Not for a reason – consciousness doesn’t have reasons because any reason would already be something manifest. It manifests just because it is its nature to do so, like an artist creating out of pure love for no reason.’

Isn’t ‘I am’ the best pointer to our true nature, and don’t we have to use the mind to explain something unexplainable? Rupert says: ‘To say “I am” and allow yourself to go to the experience those words refer to is one of the most direct ways of going to your true nature. The mind is required to explain anything, but what we’re speaking of cannot truly be explained by the mind, because mind is limited whilst what we’re expressing has no limits. That’s why this understanding is often expressed in poetry or the language of romantic love – not trying to describe the experience but to evoke it.’

When trapped emotions from the past arise as intense physical experiences, how can I stay connected to ‘I am’ during these storms? Rupert says: ‘There’s nothing in your experience that prevents you from staying connected with your being. When you notice you’re lost in emotional reactivity, ask: “What is it that is aware of this reactivity?” That immediately puts you in the right relationship as the one who knows it. The emotional storm may continue, but you’re no longer colluding with it. It’s just weather flowing through you – your internal weather has decades of history, so it’s a powerful storm, but it’s passing through you and you are the space for it.’

I understand non-dual concepts intellectually, but how do I really grow into conviction and knowing rather than just being in my head? Rupert says: ‘Peace and happiness are the nature of your being, and you share your being with everyone and everything – that’s the essence of 3,000 years of non-duality. Go to your being and taste it experientially. At any moment under any circumstances, if you stop paying attention to thoughts and feelings and go back to the experience of being, it will always have the same qualities – peace, quiet, absence of sorrow, rock solid. Your being is always available, like the perfect companion in the heart of your self.’

How can I lead my life in a responsible way if there is no free will, and how can I take responsibility for things I don’t decide? Rupert says: ‘I think God is more like a jazz musician than a classical musician – it’s improvisation, not reading from a fixed score. The nature of consciousness is freedom. At the individual level, we do feel we have free will, and I recommend you live as if you had free will. Use your freedom in service of love and understanding, aligning your decisions with the recognition that we share our being with everyone and everything. You’re not a mechanical puppet in the universe – you have freedom.’

I’ve had anxiety since I was 14, and your teachings have helped me understand I am awareness. Can you add anything to this understanding? Rupert says: ‘When you understand who you truly are, what others think of you doesn’t affect you. Your identity is no longer invested in a fragile self that needs constant approval. The ego is fragile and always seeking or defending, but when you recognise your being as your true identity, you discover it’s very open yet cannot be hurt – not because it’s well defended, but because it has no defences at all. It’s like space in a room that cannot be harmed because it’s so open there’s nothing inside to hurt.’

You say the universe is God’s dream, but dreams lack order while the universe has timeless laws. How do we understand this? Rupert says: ‘When I say the universe is God’s dream, [I mean that] consciousness divides itself into multiple subjects of experience from whose perspective it views its own mental activity as an outside world. The laws aren’t laws of physics but laws of mind – patterns in consciousness that appear as matter from our localised perspective. I think there is pure consciousness vibrating within itself prior to being perceived, and that primary vibration is what you refer to as universal laws. They’re eternal and archetypal, beyond the temporal considerations of human mind.’

How can I stay with love and beauty when I feel pulled toward the radical void of ‘no one here’? Rupert says: ‘There’s nobody here is just half the understanding. Yes, there are no separate individual selves – that’s the first half. The second half is there’s just one infinite being, and you are that. All the qualities we most respect – kindness, care, sensitivity, generosity, love – come from the felt sense of our true nature. The true poetry of being human comes from recognising there is only one infinite indivisible being and everyone and everything is that.’

Is consciousness ultimately self-reflexive and self-aware? Rupert says: ‘Awareness is self-luminous like the sun – it knows itself just by being itself without needing to turn around and reflect on itself. When consciousness localises in a finite mind, that mind does need to practice self-reflection to know itself. But infinite consciousness doesn’t know its knowing of itself – it is just pure knowing. The sun doesn’t need to illuminate its illumination of itself; consciousness doesn’t need to reflect on its knowing. It knows itself just by being itself.’

Couldn’t thoughts and perceptions be experienced as consciousness assuming different forms rather than in dualistic subject-object relationship? Rupert says: ‘Ultimately there’s only one thing – consciousness temporarily colouring itself in the form of everything we know. But everything we know apart from our own being appears in subject-object relationship. This is just the mechanism through which experience takes place, though there’s no real separation. When we recognise this viscerally – that although we seem to experience everything in subject-object relationship, there’s no real distinction – that’s the experience we call “love” in relation to people and “beauty” in relation to objects.’

Regarding your metaphor of the stained tea towel being washed repeatedly to remove stains, many of my stains have been eliminated, but some are really sticky, especially in my nervous system. Can you give advice on the realignment process? Rupert says: ‘Some experiences are like wine stains that don’t come out with normal washing – they need soaking in a dissolving medium. This soaking is resting in the warm bath of awareness that gradually penetrates the body-mind, washing out old residues from the belief in separation. If there’s something very specific, you could do therapeutic work, but generally just keep soaking in awareness. Don’t expect perfection at the body-mind level – it’s a never-ending process of realignment.’

As a designer, I wonder what is the grand purpose for infinite consciousness to seemingly forget itself and go through suffering to find its way home? Rupert says: ‘Infinite consciousness is a realm of unmanifest potential. To manifest in form, consciousness must divide itself into subject and object because form can only be known in subject-object relationship. The infinite pays for manifestation with its innate peace because it must localise as seemingly separate subjects. Why does it do this? Not for a reason – consciousness doesn’t have reasons because any reason would already be something manifest. It manifests just because it is its nature to do so, like an artist creating out of pure love for no reason.’

Isn’t ‘I am’ the best pointer to our true nature, and don’t we have to use the mind to explain something unexplainable? Rupert says: ‘To say “I am” and allow yourself to go to the experience those words refer to is one of the most direct ways of going to your true nature. The mind is required to explain anything, but what we’re speaking of cannot truly be explained by the mind, because mind is limited whilst what we’re expressing has no limits. That’s why this understanding is often expressed in poetry or the language of romantic love – not trying to describe the experience but to evoke it.’

When trapped emotions from the past arise as intense physical experiences, how can I stay connected to ‘I am’ during these storms? Rupert says: ‘There’s nothing in your experience that prevents you from staying connected with your being. When you notice you’re lost in emotional reactivity, ask: “What is it that is aware of this reactivity?” That immediately puts you in the right relationship as the one who knows it. The emotional storm may continue, but you’re no longer colluding with it. It’s just weather flowing through you – your internal weather has decades of history, so it’s a powerful storm, but it’s passing through you and you are the space for it.’

I understand non-dual concepts intellectually, but how do I really grow into conviction and knowing rather than just being in my head? Rupert says: ‘Peace and happiness are the nature of your being, and you share your being with everyone and everything – that’s the essence of 3,000 years of non-duality. Go to your being and taste it experientially. At any moment under any circumstances, if you stop paying attention to thoughts and feelings and go back to the experience of being, it will always have the same qualities – peace, quiet, absence of sorrow, rock solid. Your being is always available, like the perfect companion in the heart of your self.’