Opening to Vulnerability from the media Balancing Being and Personhood
How can one overcome fear of openness and vulnerability in relationships? Rupert says: ‘You are being very vulnerable now by expressing your fear. So, just by sharing the fact that you are afraid to be vulnerable is a sign of being open and vulnerable in a relationship . . . If you find yourself in a personal relationship . . . and you feel the same fear, you could say to them just what you’ve said to us now . . . And they will be very kind with you, make it easy for you.’
- Duration: 5 minutes and 42 seconds
- Recorded on: Apr 11, 2025
- Event: Seven-Day Retreat at Mandali, 5–12 April 2025
What interpretation might be offered for a detailed dream involving a journey with symbolic elements like a map, axe, magnifying glass, and amber stone with tiny writing? Rupert says: ‘The map represents early teachings that hint at our true nature . . . the axe is the sword of discrimination to find your way through the dense thicket of experience . . . You have to sink deep through the layers of experience down into your being . . . in the box is the jewel, yourself, and written on it the word of God . . . having found the great jewel, you then come back to humanity . . . a message for you to emerge, go out into the world, to have your own life, to speak to others...’
Is surrender something that happens rather than something that can be deliberately done? Rupert says: ‘Surrender is a happening, it happens when you look, when you just let go.’
Should I be concerned that I no longer have vivid dreams as I did when I was younger? Rupert says: ‘Not at all, no.’
Could I transform my addictive tendencies by becoming ‘addicted’ to coming back to being instead? Rupert says: ‘Once it becomes clear to you that the peace and joy for which you long is the nature of your own being, then why would you not just go exclusively for that? Why would you waste your time going for anything else? . . . This has been my full-time job for 49 years, and I recommend you make this your full-time job . . . See this addictive tendency that you have towards a substance or activity as a gift to give you something really strong that you have to work with.’
How can one balance the recognition of being with the perceived responsibility to maintain a person? Rupert says: ‘I recommend you take care of yourself. I recommend you take care of your body and your mind . . . Here, all this week, we’ve been going back to our being, resting in our being. And we’ve been looking after ourselves . . . We’ve been leading a very healthy life. Has it been very stressful for you this week? This is a model example of how to take care of yourself, but also how to honour your being.’
How can one overcome fear of openness and vulnerability in relationships? Rupert says: ‘You are being very vulnerable now by expressing your fear. So, just by sharing the fact that you are afraid to be vulnerable is a sign of being open and vulnerable in a relationship . . . If you find yourself in a personal relationship . . . and you feel the same fear, you could say to them just what you’ve said to us now . . . And they will be very kind with you, make it easy for you.’
How can I be clearer about what I’m doing in meditation when my mind says I don’t need to sink back into being? Rupert says: ‘If you feel insecure, don’t fool yourself. Don’t wash a veneer of non-duality over your experience by saying there’s nobody here to feel insecure . . . It’s better to be honest and say, I do feel that I’m a separate entity . . . If you feel the insecurity . . . you say, but who is it that feels insecure? And then you look for the self, for the insecure self . . . You look for it. It’s like King Lear starts going inside himself looking for King Lear. He never finds King Lear.’
How can I apply these teachings practically to relationships when my separate self gets stuck in feelings of insecurity and shame? Rupert says: ‘This yearning for a relationship is not just a natural social need. It’s much deeper than that. It’s a longing to manifest in relationship what is already the case, namely that you share your being . . . You’re not this insecure, shameful, fearful self . . . The more you stand as that, rather than standing as an insecure, shameful, fearful self . . . the more you’ll act from that in relationship . . . You’ll approach them from a place of peace in yourself, a place of quiet confidence, a place of clarity, and a place above all where you don’t need anything.’
Is the sacred wound of separation shared by all, or is it experienced differently through individual traumas like childhood difficulties? Rupert says: ‘The sacred wound that I was referring to is deeper than, say, a traumatic childhood . . . it’s the wound of separation . . . When infinite being clothes itself in experience, it seems to acquire the properties of experience . . . And it’s that primary separation, that apparent separation, that is the wound that lives at the heart of everybody . . . It’s this existential longing that you don’t even know what you’re longing for . . . It’s this wound of separation that can only be satisfied by the recognition of our true nature.’
How do we process pain that occurs in the world, whether to witness it or take action? Rupert says: ‘The extent to which you are free of your own personal suffering, to the same extent you are open and sensitive to feel the suffering of others . . . When you feel it in yourself, in the same way that you feel your own suffering . . . How do you process it inside yourself? In exactly the same way you process your own suffering. What you do about it in the world, that depends on two things. It depends on one, you, your character, your abilities, the work that you do, where you live . . . And two, the situation that you are facing.’
How can one address feelings of repulsion towards egoic tendencies in oneself and others? Rupert says: ‘Many of you have heard this story before . . . The Dalai Lama relating a conversation he had with a friend of his, an elderly Tibetan monk who had been in a Chinese concentration camp for 20 years . . . The Dalai Lama asked him what it was like . . . He said, ‘On several occasions, I nearly lost my compassion for my guards.’ That’s how to treat other people’s egoic tendencies . . . He nearly lost his compassion. He didn’t lose his compassion . . . He was still compassionate towards his guards.’
Why do I always have so many questions about these teachings? Rupert says: ‘That’s beautiful. I was the same. I used to sit in the front row at Francis meetings . . . I would have several questions . . . This happened for a couple of years. And then in time the questions began to die down and I began to be able to answer my own questions . . . You have lots of questions because you’re passionately interested. Ask them. Don’t be too polite.’
How can I best deal with compassionate concessions in teaching that aren’t 100-percent pure reality? Rupert says: ‘Just by understanding that all teaching, even what you call the highest, most radical teaching, all teaching makes a concession . . . Every teacher or speaker that has ever spoken or written about these matters, every single one, even the very, very highest teachings . . . who are they written for? For being? For consciousness? No, they were written for someone, for mind to read . . . The purpose of the teaching is not to be accurate. It’s to be effective . . . In my opinion, a teaching should be completely free of any fixed point of view . . . It has this fluidity, this flexibility, this creativity to respond in the moment.’
How can I address my lifelong fear that has been present since childhood? Rupert says: ‘Fear is an emotion that you have from time to time . . . Are you afraid when you’re deeply asleep? . . . There must be moments in your day when you’re not afraid . . . Even if your fear is pervasive, it starts and stops. And when your fear stops, you don’t stop . . . Fear is not inherent in you . . . It is not yourself. It’s something you experience . . . So all these therapies and everything that you are doing . . . be sure that they are not simply validating . . . your belief in yourself as a fearful person. You are not a fearful person . . . Fear is what you feel. It is not what you are.’
How can I verify that we all share the same being without falling into solipsism? Rupert says: ‘If you say, I know that I am. From what experience do you derive the certainty that I am? From the experience of being . . . You derive the certainty I am from the experience of being . . . That being is present, aware, open, spacious, but empty of content. It is without limitations, without borders . . . If I go deeply into my being, I find exactly the same experience that you find . . . If there was a difference between the being that you find and the being that I find, that difference would have to be something with form . . . When people speak here, and sometimes someone will speak, and I can relate to it . . . In that moment of closeness, you are tasting your shared being.’
What interpretation might be offered for a detailed dream involving a journey with symbolic elements like a map, axe, magnifying glass, and amber stone with tiny writing? Rupert says: ‘The map represents early teachings that hint at our true nature . . . the axe is the sword of discrimination to find your way through the dense thicket of experience . . . You have to sink deep through the layers of experience down into your being . . . in the box is the jewel, yourself, and written on it the word of God . . . having found the great jewel, you then come back to humanity . . . a message for you to emerge, go out into the world, to have your own life, to speak to others...’
Is surrender something that happens rather than something that can be deliberately done? Rupert says: ‘Surrender is a happening, it happens when you look, when you just let go.’
Should I be concerned that I no longer have vivid dreams as I did when I was younger? Rupert says: ‘Not at all, no.’
Could I transform my addictive tendencies by becoming ‘addicted’ to coming back to being instead? Rupert says: ‘Once it becomes clear to you that the peace and joy for which you long is the nature of your own being, then why would you not just go exclusively for that? Why would you waste your time going for anything else? . . . This has been my full-time job for 49 years, and I recommend you make this your full-time job . . . See this addictive tendency that you have towards a substance or activity as a gift to give you something really strong that you have to work with.’
How can one balance the recognition of being with the perceived responsibility to maintain a person? Rupert says: ‘I recommend you take care of yourself. I recommend you take care of your body and your mind . . . Here, all this week, we’ve been going back to our being, resting in our being. And we’ve been looking after ourselves . . . We’ve been leading a very healthy life. Has it been very stressful for you this week? This is a model example of how to take care of yourself, but also how to honour your being.’
How can one overcome fear of openness and vulnerability in relationships? Rupert says: ‘You are being very vulnerable now by expressing your fear. So, just by sharing the fact that you are afraid to be vulnerable is a sign of being open and vulnerable in a relationship . . . If you find yourself in a personal relationship . . . and you feel the same fear, you could say to them just what you’ve said to us now . . . And they will be very kind with you, make it easy for you.’
How can I be clearer about what I’m doing in meditation when my mind says I don’t need to sink back into being? Rupert says: ‘If you feel insecure, don’t fool yourself. Don’t wash a veneer of non-duality over your experience by saying there’s nobody here to feel insecure . . . It’s better to be honest and say, I do feel that I’m a separate entity . . . If you feel the insecurity . . . you say, but who is it that feels insecure? And then you look for the self, for the insecure self . . . You look for it. It’s like King Lear starts going inside himself looking for King Lear. He never finds King Lear.’
How can I apply these teachings practically to relationships when my separate self gets stuck in feelings of insecurity and shame? Rupert says: ‘This yearning for a relationship is not just a natural social need. It’s much deeper than that. It’s a longing to manifest in relationship what is already the case, namely that you share your being . . . You’re not this insecure, shameful, fearful self . . . The more you stand as that, rather than standing as an insecure, shameful, fearful self . . . the more you’ll act from that in relationship . . . You’ll approach them from a place of peace in yourself, a place of quiet confidence, a place of clarity, and a place above all where you don’t need anything.’
Is the sacred wound of separation shared by all, or is it experienced differently through individual traumas like childhood difficulties? Rupert says: ‘The sacred wound that I was referring to is deeper than, say, a traumatic childhood . . . it’s the wound of separation . . . When infinite being clothes itself in experience, it seems to acquire the properties of experience . . . And it’s that primary separation, that apparent separation, that is the wound that lives at the heart of everybody . . . It’s this existential longing that you don’t even know what you’re longing for . . . It’s this wound of separation that can only be satisfied by the recognition of our true nature.’
How do we process pain that occurs in the world, whether to witness it or take action? Rupert says: ‘The extent to which you are free of your own personal suffering, to the same extent you are open and sensitive to feel the suffering of others . . . When you feel it in yourself, in the same way that you feel your own suffering . . . How do you process it inside yourself? In exactly the same way you process your own suffering. What you do about it in the world, that depends on two things. It depends on one, you, your character, your abilities, the work that you do, where you live . . . And two, the situation that you are facing.’
How can one address feelings of repulsion towards egoic tendencies in oneself and others? Rupert says: ‘Many of you have heard this story before . . . The Dalai Lama relating a conversation he had with a friend of his, an elderly Tibetan monk who had been in a Chinese concentration camp for 20 years . . . The Dalai Lama asked him what it was like . . . He said, ‘On several occasions, I nearly lost my compassion for my guards.’ That’s how to treat other people’s egoic tendencies . . . He nearly lost his compassion. He didn’t lose his compassion . . . He was still compassionate towards his guards.’
Why do I always have so many questions about these teachings? Rupert says: ‘That’s beautiful. I was the same. I used to sit in the front row at Francis meetings . . . I would have several questions . . . This happened for a couple of years. And then in time the questions began to die down and I began to be able to answer my own questions . . . You have lots of questions because you’re passionately interested. Ask them. Don’t be too polite.’
How can I best deal with compassionate concessions in teaching that aren’t 100-percent pure reality? Rupert says: ‘Just by understanding that all teaching, even what you call the highest, most radical teaching, all teaching makes a concession . . . Every teacher or speaker that has ever spoken or written about these matters, every single one, even the very, very highest teachings . . . who are they written for? For being? For consciousness? No, they were written for someone, for mind to read . . . The purpose of the teaching is not to be accurate. It’s to be effective . . . In my opinion, a teaching should be completely free of any fixed point of view . . . It has this fluidity, this flexibility, this creativity to respond in the moment.’
How can I address my lifelong fear that has been present since childhood? Rupert says: ‘Fear is an emotion that you have from time to time . . . Are you afraid when you’re deeply asleep? . . . There must be moments in your day when you’re not afraid . . . Even if your fear is pervasive, it starts and stops. And when your fear stops, you don’t stop . . . Fear is not inherent in you . . . It is not yourself. It’s something you experience . . . So all these therapies and everything that you are doing . . . be sure that they are not simply validating . . . your belief in yourself as a fearful person. You are not a fearful person . . . Fear is what you feel. It is not what you are.’
How can I verify that we all share the same being without falling into solipsism? Rupert says: ‘If you say, I know that I am. From what experience do you derive the certainty that I am? From the experience of being . . . You derive the certainty I am from the experience of being . . . That being is present, aware, open, spacious, but empty of content. It is without limitations, without borders . . . If I go deeply into my being, I find exactly the same experience that you find . . . If there was a difference between the being that you find and the being that I find, that difference would have to be something with form . . . When people speak here, and sometimes someone will speak, and I can relate to it . . . In that moment of closeness, you are tasting your shared being.’