The Lifelong Feeling of Not Being Good Enough from the media Silence and Celebration
A woman describes how she fully participated during the whole retreat rather than trying to get away to her room, which is new for her. She feels there is a wounded girl inside her who is impacted by sexual abuse resulting in a lifelong feeling of not being good enough. After constant concern about how her body looks, she wonders why that is and what it has to do with the non-dual teachings. Rupert asks her if she had a close friend who told her what she just told herself, what would you say. Her reply: 'It's not your fault’.' Rupert asks her if she would see her friend as flawed, to which she responds 'no'. He suggests she have this attitude towards herself, understanding nothing needs to be improved; she is not flawed in any way.
- Duration: 13 minutes and 51 seconds
- Recorded on: Sep 24, 2022
- Event: Seven Day Retreat at The Vedanta – 17th to 24th September
A brief silent meditation followed by quotes from Meister Eckhart and the Gospel of Thomas. Rupert then thanks the team before taking a couple of questions.
A woman gives an emotional description of the evolution of her relationship to Rupert and her deep gratitude for him as a teacher. In the end, she says, the trance has been broken' and she doesn't really have a question but just needed to express what was going on for her. Rupert thanks her for her statement and agrees that there was no question and therefore no specific response is required. He describes the various personalities that attend these retreats, the introverted and the extroverted, and expresses his gratitude and appreciation for all.
An 82-year-old man says that this will probably be his last retreat and, although he hasn't the clarity he'd hoped for, he's grateful for the teachings, the love and friendships. He feels that he does 'know' what is being imparted and he's good with leaving and has had a wonderful time. Rupert responds that all the teachings, the words, will be forgotten, but the peace and love will remain. It’s difficult to describe what takes place in retreat, and that is why we come to retreat, to create the teaching in this atmosphere of peace and love.
A man asks about samskaras and residues of something that seems to need to be worked out. Rupert suggests that he not worry about samskaras but to keep in touch with the community of friends from retreat. He says, 'We will take care of your samskaras; leave them to us’. Surrender them. Feel the love that is your natural condition.
A woman describes a recurring dream of a car accident she had during retreat, where several were wounded and she took care of them, but they became aggressive and pulled a gun on her. She asks Rupert what he thinks of this dream. Rupert responds that his mind is spent and so it’s difficult to analyse at this point, but he acknowledges and appreciates the beauty and love in the dream, acting with love in the face of danger.
A woman who is a teacher speaks of taking on complaints and requests from her students and their parents, which she calls 'rocks' of responsibility, which is a pretty full rucksack. She asks how to say 'not now' or 'no' to some. Rupert suggests he's not the best person to ask because he also has trouble saying 'no’. He tells a story from Ramana Maharshi to address the idea of the rucksack about a passenger on a train who refused to put down their luggage, not recognising that the train would carry them and the rucksack. He suggests that you can put down your rucksack; you will be carried. Enjoy the ride.
A woman describes that although she had a difficult week at retreat, she had a shift during meditation and the whole struggle just vanished without any effort. She can see that there is love and peace everywhere. She describes that recognition, and the retreat was like a piece of music increasing in intensity. She recognises the importance of friendship. Rupert thanks her for her expression.
A man says that he was concerned that if he came to retreat, he might leave without understanding, which created fear throughout the retreat. Rupert responds that it is not understanding, not the words, that are important but the peace that you carry home with you. It's all about the heart. You can argue non-dual theory, but you can't argue with peace and love.
A woman describes discomfort during retreat and how she wanted it to be over until the Beethoven symphony was played. Everything shifted and she could feel the vibration of everything that had been spoken of throughout the retreat, which she calls 'God's vibration’. She adds that she's a little ‘tired of trying to get everything right’, but the vibration she felt will be enough. Rupert suggests that she recognise that she already is where and what she's trying to be or get to. There's nothing to do. You are already home. There isn't a right or wrong way. There isn't a way, there is just this recognition that we are already free.
A woman describes how she fully participated during the whole retreat rather than trying to get away to her room, which is new for her. She feels there is a wounded girl inside her who is impacted by sexual abuse resulting in a lifelong feeling of not being good enough. After constant concern about how her body looks, she wonders why that is and what it has to do with the non-dual teachings. Rupert asks her if she had a close friend who told her what she just told herself, what would you say. Her reply: 'It's not your fault’.' Rupert asks her if she would see her friend as flawed, to which she responds 'no'. He suggests she have this attitude towards herself, understanding nothing needs to be improved; she is not flawed in any way.
A man says he enjoys all the friends he's made at retreat and offers his email address if anyone would like to Zoom with him to continue the discussion.
Rupert closes the retreat with words from the poem 'To My Friends' by Primo Levi: Remember the time Before the wax hardened, When everyone was like a seal. Each of us bears the imprint Of a friend met along the way; In each the trace of each.
A brief silent meditation followed by quotes from Meister Eckhart and the Gospel of Thomas. Rupert then thanks the team before taking a couple of questions.
A woman gives an emotional description of the evolution of her relationship to Rupert and her deep gratitude for him as a teacher. In the end, she says, the trance has been broken' and she doesn't really have a question but just needed to express what was going on for her. Rupert thanks her for her statement and agrees that there was no question and therefore no specific response is required. He describes the various personalities that attend these retreats, the introverted and the extroverted, and expresses his gratitude and appreciation for all.
An 82-year-old man says that this will probably be his last retreat and, although he hasn't the clarity he'd hoped for, he's grateful for the teachings, the love and friendships. He feels that he does 'know' what is being imparted and he's good with leaving and has had a wonderful time. Rupert responds that all the teachings, the words, will be forgotten, but the peace and love will remain. It’s difficult to describe what takes place in retreat, and that is why we come to retreat, to create the teaching in this atmosphere of peace and love.
A man asks about samskaras and residues of something that seems to need to be worked out. Rupert suggests that he not worry about samskaras but to keep in touch with the community of friends from retreat. He says, 'We will take care of your samskaras; leave them to us’. Surrender them. Feel the love that is your natural condition.
A woman describes a recurring dream of a car accident she had during retreat, where several were wounded and she took care of them, but they became aggressive and pulled a gun on her. She asks Rupert what he thinks of this dream. Rupert responds that his mind is spent and so it’s difficult to analyse at this point, but he acknowledges and appreciates the beauty and love in the dream, acting with love in the face of danger.
A woman who is a teacher speaks of taking on complaints and requests from her students and their parents, which she calls 'rocks' of responsibility, which is a pretty full rucksack. She asks how to say 'not now' or 'no' to some. Rupert suggests he's not the best person to ask because he also has trouble saying 'no’. He tells a story from Ramana Maharshi to address the idea of the rucksack about a passenger on a train who refused to put down their luggage, not recognising that the train would carry them and the rucksack. He suggests that you can put down your rucksack; you will be carried. Enjoy the ride.
A woman describes that although she had a difficult week at retreat, she had a shift during meditation and the whole struggle just vanished without any effort. She can see that there is love and peace everywhere. She describes that recognition, and the retreat was like a piece of music increasing in intensity. She recognises the importance of friendship. Rupert thanks her for her expression.
A man says that he was concerned that if he came to retreat, he might leave without understanding, which created fear throughout the retreat. Rupert responds that it is not understanding, not the words, that are important but the peace that you carry home with you. It's all about the heart. You can argue non-dual theory, but you can't argue with peace and love.
A woman describes discomfort during retreat and how she wanted it to be over until the Beethoven symphony was played. Everything shifted and she could feel the vibration of everything that had been spoken of throughout the retreat, which she calls 'God's vibration’. She adds that she's a little ‘tired of trying to get everything right’, but the vibration she felt will be enough. Rupert suggests that she recognise that she already is where and what she's trying to be or get to. There's nothing to do. You are already home. There isn't a right or wrong way. There isn't a way, there is just this recognition that we are already free.
A woman describes how she fully participated during the whole retreat rather than trying to get away to her room, which is new for her. She feels there is a wounded girl inside her who is impacted by sexual abuse resulting in a lifelong feeling of not being good enough. After constant concern about how her body looks, she wonders why that is and what it has to do with the non-dual teachings. Rupert asks her if she had a close friend who told her what she just told herself, what would you say. Her reply: 'It's not your fault’.' Rupert asks her if she would see her friend as flawed, to which she responds 'no'. He suggests she have this attitude towards herself, understanding nothing needs to be improved; she is not flawed in any way.
A man says he enjoys all the friends he's made at retreat and offers his email address if anyone would like to Zoom with him to continue the discussion.
Rupert closes the retreat with words from the poem 'To My Friends' by Primo Levi: Remember the time Before the wax hardened, When everyone was like a seal. Each of us bears the imprint Of a friend met along the way; In each the trace of each.