Sensitivity Without Being Hurt

"I got dumped two weeks ago, and it hit me harder than I thought. It’s revealing more physical neediness in me than I realised – a desperation to cling to something or someone. It’s hitting my ego and my sense of rejection. I know I just have to stay in the ‘I am’, but is there other advice? Rupert says: ‘You could be more proactive. Turn towards the discomfort instead of escaping into substances, activities, or the subtler form of escape – thinking. Welcome it, bring it close, kiss the toad. Second, investigate the one who feels rejected and diminished. Third, abide as being – it will pass. Look around now, Jack – what’s problematic about your current circumstance? Your ex isn’t doing anything to you now. All your distress is just the thought “I don’t like what’s happening.” You’re doing your suffering to yourself – nobody’s doing it to you. Why not just accept what’s happening? Your mind will be hugely relieved of this burden and just become peaceful. The separate self can’t live in the now – it perpetuates itself by engaging you with past or future through regrets, hurt, longing. You don’t have to take six months to get over this. Just step out of it now.’"

"Who am I if I’m not my identity? How do I know if I’m identified or not? It feels like there’s no I right now – I feel like I don’t exist. Rupert says: ‘If you didn’t exist, you wouldn’t be having an experience. You obviously are present. You’ve been saying “I” more than any other word – don’t pretend “I” is not present. What do you mean by “I”? You’ve used it your whole life; it must refer to something. No thought has remained consistently present, no sensation, no perception. The only element of your experience that has never wavered is “I”. It runs through waking, dreaming, deep sleep. The “I” that wanted ice cream at five years old is the same “I” now. The fact of being aware is the golden thread that runs through your experience – it’s the only stable, consistent element. You’ve overlooked it because you’re exclusively fascinated by what you’re aware of. Being and awareness are the same thing – the presence of that which is aware. Strictly speaking it has no qualities, but with reference to the agitation of your mind, you can call it peace; with reference to your suffering, you can call it happiness. If you discover this, it will not only cure your current sorrow – it will give you access to the peace of your true nature for the rest of your life.’"

"What exactly is energy in this teaching? I often feel extraordinary energy coming from people – sometimes pleasant, sometimes fearful. Once on a train, angry young men came on and you could feel the tremendous anger; everyone was affected. But in a cathedral with beautiful singing, you feel incredible beautiful energy. What is happening? Rupert says: ‘What you are essentially is pure consciousness, which expresses itself as thoughts, feelings, actions and relationships. Think of energy as somewhere in between pure consciousness and your thoughts and feelings. The energy is the earliest manifestation of what will later become a thought or feeling, and then an action. It’s the unformulated, pre-verbal movement of consciousness. At the deepest level, everyone is pure consciousness – a field of pure sensitivity. The sense of separation draws a boundary that makes us impervious to others; the thinner that boundary, the more acutely you feel what others feel. Those angry men were completely unaware of anyone else – the sense of separation in them was so dense. But you were open and undefended, so you felt what they felt and even visualised them compassionately as young boys. That’s what compassion is – feeling what someone else feels as if it were your own. You’re equally sensitive to hostile and positive energy. The energy does dissipate eventually – it’s like a ripple on the ocean – but not before it leaves its trace on the world.’"

"I need clarification about the body-mind. I understand body and mind are one entity. Have I understood correctly that the body is a modulation of the mind? Rupert says: ‘I would say the body is how the mind appears from a second-person point of view. Close your eyes – if this were your first experience, you’d have no idea you are or have a body. You’re having sensations and perceptions, but you don’t know they’re sensations of a body. When I look at you, I don’t see a bundle of sensations – I see a body. Your first-person experience is mind, sensations and perceptions. But when I look at that bundle through the lens of perception, I see you as matter. As William Blake said, the body is that portion of the soul discernible to the five senses. Close your eyes – you are a whole world of mind: thoughts, images, feelings, memories, hopes, fears, intuition. But when that bundle of mind is viewed through what Blake called “the narrow chink of my cavern”, I just see a physical body. Yet we all know we’re so much more. Although I see you as a body, my understanding overrides sense perception. I see you as a body, I know you as a mind, and I feel you as God’s infinite being.’"

"During your meditations, sometimes your words hit me like an electric shock – this morning when you spoke about a child climbing onto the mother’s knee, there were tears. Is that some sort of energy from your words? What is actually happening? Rupert says: ‘There was something about that image that had the power to reach right into you. It feels physical because it has a visceral impact – it’s not just intellectual understanding, it actually affects your body. Sometimes when I’m being more rational, the words may only reach your mind. But particular phrases or images find their way through your mind and touch something in your heart. That releases a tension, a contraction deep inside you. The body responds – it opens as a result of this release. Laughing and crying are two common ways the body expresses this; it can’t not express it somehow. When you’re deeply touched by understanding, it releases a knot that’s often been closed in your heart for decades. It’s not really my words – it’s your understanding, precipitated by an image or a line of reason. Because you’re incorporating this understanding into your life, there’s much more integration now. So, when you have these moments of deep understanding, their manifestation is softer than it used to be.’"

"I’d like to ask about John 1:1 – ‘In the beginning was the word, and the word was with God, and the word was God’ – and verse 14, ‘the word was made flesh and dwelt among us full of grace and truth’. What does that word ‘word’ mean? Rupert says: ‘So beautiful, those words. A word is a sound, a vibration. In the beginning there was just pure stillness upon the waters – no vibration, no movement. The vibration was enfolded within God’s infinite being but not yet made manifest. The word was with God and was God – God is the only substance out of which what will later become the word is made. If God were to say anything, the first word would be “I am” – it expresses the infinite’s knowledge of itself before it knows anything. So the words “I am” are God’s name for itself. The word was made flesh – infinite being consented to become a finite being. That’s each of us. But the word dwelt among us – God’s knowledge of itself lives in us as the knowledge “I am.” The coming of Christ is the awakening of the I am in you. That is the second birth, the second coming – the rebirth of the Christ principle within us.’"

"I’ve heard you talk about the portal of now, but is it a two-way portal, and which way does the ‘I am’ go? Rupert says: ‘The experience of being, to which we refer when we say “I am”, is the only experience we have that is not subject to the limitations of thought and perception. For all of us, the knowledge “I am” is the doorway through which we pass out of limitations into infinite being. It’s the eye of the needle – so small you can’t take a single thought with you. You have to go through utterly naked. But when you go through, it’s very large on the other side – you stand revealed as the infinite. However, all doorways can be passed through in two directions. The “I am” is also the doorway through which the infinite passes the other way, acquiring limitations as it does so. It’s like a prison door – pass through one direction, you lose your freedom; pass through the other direction, you gain it. The pure “I am” is God’s nature. When anything is added to it – “I am this” or “I am that” – it ceases representing God’s infinite being and becomes a person. But the “I am” in each of us is God’s presence shining in us, as us.’"

"When you say God doesn’t know us, you mean as our separate self – but God knows us as its being, as part of the infinite experience of everything. When a gentleman asked for a miracle, was he really opening himself to receive the love that infinite being is continually unfolding? Is asking for a miracle opening your own mind and body to better receive the love that’s always shining? Rupert says: ‘When you ask God for a miracle or an impersonal desire, it’s as if you’re emptying your mind of all its content – yet it’s still your mind with its particular shape. You’re saying to God, please fill me with yourself. And if God fills your mind with itself, it’s uniquely tailored to the shape of your mind. So, what God gives you is perfect for you individually. It’s like dipping a bucket into the ocean – the water that comes out is perfectly tailored to the shape of the bucket. Whatever the size, whatever the shape, the measure of water will be exquisitely tailored to it. An impersonal desire is like offering the empty bucket of your mind to the ocean of God’s being and saying, fill me with yourself. Grace is like God giving itself to you. There are still desires that come through your body-mind and therefore bear the shape of your mind. But the source of the desire is not personal – it comes from love and understanding, but it’s tailored or shaped by your mind and comes out specific.’"

"I can follow discerning my thoughts and perceptions and going to the place of pure awareness – that’s helping me. But I can’t know the other part about infinite consciousness coming through the eye of the needle, God contracting into localised consciousness with limitations. How can you know that? Rupert says: ‘It is your experience every morning that thought and perception arise in you, and the moment they do, you seem to become a temporary finite being located in time and space. Prior to the arising of thought and perception, you had no experience of being finite or located. So, you have the experience of enclosing yourself in thought and perception every morning. If you turn your attention away from thought and perception and go back to the awareness behind them, you lose the limitations you borrow from them. You experience yourself eternal and infinite, ever-present and without limits. From the point of view of the finite mind, now is a moment in time. But from the point of view of consciousness, now is eternity. If you stay with the experience of now and remove your thoughts from it, it’s no longer a moment in time – it becomes the ever-present. Gordon, how many nows have there been in your life? Only one, this now. And how long does now last? No time. That’s eternity. Now divested of time is the ever-present, not the everlasting. You always experience eternity – time is just what eternity looks like when seen through thought.’"

"I have a doubt that teachers like yourself, as sincere as you are, could still be wrong. The ‘I am’ is beyond doubt – it’s impossible for me to say ‘I am not’. But there are subjects that can’t be verified from the point of view of ‘I am’. I can’t say I know there aren’t any objects outside consciousness. These doubts give me fear, especially when I’m alone and depressed. Sometimes going to the ‘I am’ isn’t enough – you’re skimming on the top, you can’t get there. Can I go to faith instead? Rupert says: ‘I could be wrong about everything. The only thing I’m certain of is that I am, and the nature of being. All other knowledge without exception is relative to the finite mind through which it is known. My models, my lines of reasoning – they are at best relatively true, not absolutely true. The non-dual teaching is concerned with the absolute truth. If we only wanted to stay at that level, we would spend the week in silence – there would be nothing to say. So, the teaching comes down and consents to dialogue with our limited point of view. Remember the Zen master: “If I speak, I tell a lie, but if I remain silent, I am a coward.” The teaching is not supposed to be true – it’s supposed to be effective. It’s supposed to evoke the truth, not express it. You should doubt everything I say, everything every teacher says, everything you think. Ask yourself: what can I be absolutely certain of? And cling only to that. If you’ve lost access to the “I am” because of your emotions and thoughts, then it’s legitimate to project the “I am” outside yourself, consider God’s being to be outside you, have faith in that God, and pray.’"

"I live in Norway where euthanasia isn’t allowed. I think about possible ways of ending my life – not because I’m suicidal now, but because I don’t have security that I can die in a civilised way if I’m in terrible pain later. Is there a difference between euthanasia and suicide in the case of physical pain and old age? Rupert says: ‘You have such a beautiful life, such a beautiful companion, and look at all the friends you are surrounded with. You seem increasingly worried about what’s going to happen when you die, and it’s preventing you from living your life fully now. The civilised way to die, and the best preparation for death, is to go to your being. That’s the real death – the death of the separate self. That’s the only death I’m really interested in, and the only one I’m qualified to speak of. That’s the death I recommend.’"

"When we’re really sensitive to things happening in the world, it causes pain – it feels so intense in the heart. How do you allow it to flow through instead of getting stuck? Rupert says: ‘Awareness is a field of pure sensitivity, but there’s no mechanism by which awareness can hold onto or reject any experience. If a bird flew through this room, nothing would rise up to catch it or resist it – the space is completely open. Awareness is like that. But the separate self is an activity of seeking and resisting – it rises up, saying “I don’t want that” or “I want to hold onto this.” When you feel hurt by something in the world, the fineness of your mind has been impacted by the grossness of the energy you’re encountering. Consciously have the intention to let it flow through without impacting on you. Open yourself completely and invite it to pass all the way through. To do this, you have to stand in awareness, not in your mind. Say to it: you are welcome, just pass through me – like wind passing through your home. Notice the impulse to contract, and in the face of that impulse, open more. At some point you’ll smile and realise: in the past that would have injured me, but now I’m sensitive to it without it landing in me. I feel it, I’m totally open to it, but it passes through. There’s nothing in me it can stick to.’"